carpe diem

Cogito ergo sum. I think therefore I am. One of the thoughts of Descartes I had heard long before I went to college, and become more interesting when I learned more about his thinking. Although Descartes can not be specifically said to be an existentialist thinker, I think that his thoughts have influenced a person -especially me- of my being, of my presence in human form in this world. Is it true that human existence as a rational being in this world purely arises from the rationality of the individual itself? And will its existence stop at one point when individuals are tired of rationalizing its existence?
It's been 21 years, 2 months 8 days living in this world and I still have many questions and puzzles about life that I have not been able to solve until now. One of them is that, the objectivity of my existence on this mad world. When the age of 21 is considered a phase in which an individual has been able to be classified as an adult, I still barely feel the vibe of being entitled to this phase. My inner childhood still appear more often than the establishment of thinking and acting. I spend more time bombarding others with questions about a problem I should be able to solve myself. In addition, I also often question what significant things I have done during these 21 years, which bring benefits to others. There is no achievement for it, no event that can be a marker that I have become a useful individual. A starting point that keeps pushing me to ask myself. What have you done today? How significant are your effects to others? How far have you been going this far?
On the one hand, those questions are enough to maintain my existence, I asked therefore I exist. Encourage me to do something more every day. Makes me an individual who (hopefully) is better than the previous day. Maximize every potential second to make it meaningful, not just for yourself but also for others. On the other hand, there is the fear that later in time I will never be enough to answer new questions that continue to emerge, let alone to solve answers to unanswered questions. Time is running so fast, that often I feel I do not have time to relax because relaxing does not make me a productive individual. Badly, there was once a point when all forms of fatigue accumulated and made me stop struggling to find answers. I was silent, even taking a step back, and allowing the ignorance of my self-controlling existence.
Being an adult turned out to be creepy. It's scary not to get enough time to answer all the questions that come up. It is also frightening to understand that in the end we are forced to stop asking, because we know we do not have enough time to find an answer. A dozen years ago I wanted to quickly become an adult, live independently, have authority over myself. Now, stopping or even playing time becomes a more interesting option. It will be fun when we have more time to just relax and keep asking, without fear of running out of time to find answers.
But well, life goes on. It will not stop. As if one day I will fathom every points of how to be an adult.

Matsuri 祭り(Japanese word for festival) is one best activity to enjoy Japan every time you have a chance to visit the country. Since I am pretty late for summer festival and not yet into winter festival, I feel glad that my dorm manager invited me to see a festival held in Kishiwada city, Osaka. I found out that this festival is the biggest and the most famous Danjiri Matsuri among other similar festival which held all over Japan. Many people even from other prefecture come to Kishiwada to see the Danjiri from many groups of neighborhood area. Generally, this festival becomes a symbol of gratitude from the people towards the Shinto Gods as they get blessings through the harvesting season. Several groups of people will gather as one group representing their district and walk along the street while pulling the danjiri or portable shrine which has been build for several years ago with a really huge cost. Every houses in one district should at least appointed one family member to contribute this event,  regardless age and gender. It means that one danjiri group will contained at least 50 people working together to represent their district with pride. I didn't count exactly how many danjiri was at the festival, but I think it was more than 15 groups.

My dorm manager was very excited that some students managed to see this festival with him because he has been participating in this festival for more than 50 times since he was a little boy living in one neighborhood at Kishiwada City. He proudly depicted his hard work when he was assigned to pull the robe, and continuously upgrading his role as he gets older every year, until he could be in the centre possition of the danjiri. Despite the fact that I only saw the practice session of the groups, I felt very lucky because I can get accompanied by a person who was indeed a participant of the festival. Moreover, my friends and I could freely move all around the city because there were less people there. So we could see the attraction from several different spot, which was amazing. I don't think I can experience such thing if I went there by myself. However, the fact that it was just a practice didn't undermine people's excitement to came over and watch the whole session from 1 pm to 5 pm that day. 

To see people really hustling in order to make the danjiri move astonished me that much. I can really see the value of hard work of Japanese people through this festival. I mean, come on, no one will condemn you when you don't want to participate into this event. Then people were still able to be involve into the festival and let themselves became super exhausted after the whole festival finished. People's participation also proves that Japanese people have a high community-based society. Most of them, not to be stereotyping some people who don't, are really attached into their community and willing to give any kinds of participation to increase the neighborhood's pride. I saw some students, young adults, grandfathers, moms with their babies, even the district leader participating into this festival and make sure that every component of the festival works well. Some people even challenge their defiance by standing, jumping and dancing on top of the danjiri while it was being pulled along the road. It was beyond crazy and dangerous but they let it be. Danjiri festival is also cost expensive, from the making process to the execution, even the post-event when some accident unfortunately happened, for instance a danjiri crashed the electricity pole of crashed someone's house whereupon the district should pay for the penalty. 

As I came to Japan not just merely as an exchange student (or traveller to be exact :P), I also have additional responsibility to complete at least my thesis proposal in order to graduate on time. That's why I am very delighted and grateful at the same time because I can literally observe the cultural and social value from Japanese people, which then processed as their common identity. One other good point to be highlighted is no matter how old and smart you are, if you don't contribute even just a single drop of your sweat to the society, it will definitely means nothing. 

(Kumpulan puisi M. Aan Mansyur - Tidak Ada New York Hari Ini)

I'm still capturing the moment when I decided to upload this picture on my instagram feed. That was the day when I gave back all my trust to someone who lose it. Unfortunately, everything came to an end, as what I imagined from the very beginning. 

This evening, I am distracted by all boundaries and walls that I built for the past few months. It turned into debris by only a single call, which actually means nothing. I am lost, I am insane, but I know that everything will never be the same as it used to be. 

Even so, I hope that we can grow through what we gone through. Forget about those cheesy pinky promise 'cause it will when it meant to be.

Takarazuka, 01/10/2017. 

Few days ago, one of my senior in junior highschool passed away after battling for cancer since probably last year (if I'm not mistaken). I wasn't really close to her, never even talk to her face to face, but I knew her condition, from her mother who is also my family doctor, when did she first figure out about it and how she managed to continue her life with treatments. Even it may looks a little inappropriate to retell her stories, her spirit and her passion really inspires me in facing any kinds of problem that could even take your life forever.

Moment of her death made me reflect about myself personally. As a Christian, I believe on the life after death which determined by your acts in life. Then, what goods I have done for 20 years living my life? Am I good enough to be the one placed in heaven? Am I ready to face the death? What will I do if such condition happens to me?

I salute her for being so brave and tranquility to face the death despite the fears she felt. I learn to respect my life more and do more good to people because we will never know when will we die. By doing so, I believe that on the day, I will die peacefully, as a blessing for other people, and become one of those beautiful flowers which picked first. 

Tidak ada kebenaran yang hakiki. Apa yang menurut saya benar, belum tentu menurut orang lain benar. Semua dinilai secara subjektif, berdasarkan seberapa luas pengetahuan seseorang akan sesuatu. Subjektivitas, sebuah pandangan yang tidak bisa dilepaskan dari seorang individu yang berpikir. Subjektivitas ada sebagai hasil dari kumpulan proses-proses berpikir dan kejadian-kejadian yang dialami oleh seseorang. Proses itu berbaur menjadi satu dan menjadi sebuah pola pikir dalam diri seorang individu. Bagaimana caranya memandang sesuatu, bagaimana caranya menerima sesuatu, semua tergantung pada pola pikir yang mereka gunakan sebagai kacamata mereka.

Subjektivitas, pola pikir, atau apalah itu yang intinya adalah cara seseorang menilai sesuatu, memberi pengaruh besar bagaimana seseorang bertumbuh dan membangun relasi dengan orang lain dalam kehidupan ini. Secara normatif, individu harus mampu bertoleransi dengan individu-individu lain yang memiliki beragam latar belakang. Namun, perlu digarisbawahi bahwa bertoleransi bukan berarti 100% menerima. Menurut saya, bertoleransi lebih kepada membiarkan orang lain menjalankan apa yang dia percayai, selama itu bisa ia pertanggungjawabkan dan tidak mengganggu kepentingan umum.

Tulisan diatas murni berdasarkan asumsi saya, tanpa maksud untuk menyinggung sesuatu apalagi seseorang. Namun, tampaknya asumsi yang sebenarnya telah saya tulis sejak beberapa hari (bahkan bulan, saya tidak ingat) yang lalu ini sedang menjadi sebuah realita saat ini. Sekali lagi, saya menulis ini tidak didasarkan pada tujuan untuk menjatuhkan suatu kelompok tertentu. Ini semua murni curahan hati saya yang terlalu geram dan terlalu malas berkelana membelah samudera media sosial yang sudah terlalu overrated dan banyak dihuni oleh kaum-kaum yang rasanya tidak pernah mendengar atau bahkan mengerti apa itu literasi media. Semua orang berlomba memenangkan pertarungan opini, yang sedihnya seringkali didasarkan pada sesuatu yang hanya mereka baca sekali. Ini yang salah.

Responsif. Hal ini adalah salah satu guilty pleasure yang sulit untuk saya kontrol selama hidup saya. Saya bisa menghitung berapa kali saya mendapat masalah dengan orang lain ketika saya bertindak responsif di sosial media. Rasa ketidakpedulian dan kejenuhan dengan banyak hal yang justru membawa saya pada situasi di mana saya lebih less-responsive dan memilih untuk memikirkannya dalam otak dan jadi pikiran saya sendiri. Menurut saya ini baik, setidaknya saya tidak secara langsung membiarkan opini saya kabur secara liar lewat mulut saya, tapi saya beri dia waktu untuk bermain-main dalam otak saya, berganti pakaian menjadi dirinya yang lebih baik, baru keluar melalui mulut saya. Satu dua kali hal itu saya lewatkan. Tapi namanya manusia (alasan klise) kan tidak luput dari kesalahan, betul?

Kembali ke masalah tidak ada kebenaran yang hakiki dan subjektivitas. Di dunia yang bebas dan tanpa batas, alangkah baiknya jika kita kembali menilai diri kita dan berlaku 'sopan' seperti seorang diplomat ketika kita tidak setuju dengan argumen orang lain. Jangan menjadi orang yang responsif, terlebih dalam media sosial yang bisa dengan bebas dibaca orang lain dan tidak ada jaminan bahwa argumen yang kita buat bisa kita hapus seenaknya. Jangan merasa diri atau kelompok paling benar, karena jika semua orang benar maka tidak akan ada satu orang pun yang tinggal dalam penjara. Segala sesuatu hanya tentang sudut pandang, kacamata yang anda gunakan untuk melihat, serta seberapa banyak hal yang anda ketahui (paling tidak, jika memahami masih terlalu sukar untuk dilakukan). Banyak-banyak lah memaksimalkan fungsi mata dan telinga, kritislah terhadap sesuatu dan jangan biarkan 'kegatelan' tangan dan mulut untuk bertindak responsif menguasai diri anda.

I love you

Through the time that we spent together

Through the sweet words you said to me

Through the affection you showed

Through the apologies for your mistakes

Through the way you held my hand

Through the way you looked into my eyes

Through the choices then you chose me

Through the beers we drank together

Through the dance we had

Through the moment we cherised

I love it just like that

No complicated reason. Just that. 

Been overseas again only with my friends is a pleasure. I was lucky that last month I was able to experience another trip overseas my fellow colleagues to Thailand for 6 days and 5 nights. This was my 4th experience to go overseas without my parents and it always been awesome! The trip was organized as a compulsory trip before we can do internship next year, regarding to our faculty wisdom, since I am an International Relations student.

Since the country was new for me, I felt super excited for what was coming to me. I prepared everything and started the journey on May 7th, 2016 and returned home on May 13th, 2016. I went there with 72 other people in our group. Yeah, I know it was a huge group and to be honest I feel a little bit annoyed to some people that make our trip felt very slow related to the punctuality. Despite everything bad, I enjoyed every single thing stayed in Bangkok and Pattaya and personally want to go there one more time (or many more time).

Overall, the trip was just like a common trip, added with some obligatory visit to Chulalongkorn University, Indonesian Embassy, and United Nation Development Program. Those three places were the places we did some discussion and to add our knowledge about some issues related to Thailand itself. Our stay in Bangkok and Pattaya was also a knowledge too. I understood the culture of Thai people which gave their full respect to King Rama IX as their nation leader. It was shown all over the city with a huge picture of him sitting in his legacy. I also learn how Thai people respect Buddha, even they were not even a Buddhist. These situation, I guess, won't ever be happened in Indonesia as our culture and our believes is just for a private purpose, not even a national identity. But then, I'm questioning this situation as people's own willingness or just a form of suppression from the government? I don't know, please notice me if you know something. I also learn how the government settle the tourism sector perfectly so they can gain so much profit from it and make it as the number one income for the country. Indonesia government somehow should learn from them to make Indonesia, which have so much more beautiful tourism destination, can gain more profit from tourism sector. 

Having a trip to Thailand is one of a good idea, especially for Indonesian, since the food and the weather is similar to what we have back at home. The living cost in Thailand is also quite cheap. I don't experience much about the public transportation but I think those are quite helpful. I also don't know about the ticket price of the tourism places, but there are some places which is free but still good enough as your picture background. There are so many food stalls in the tourism spot. They usually sell pad thai, pork, desserts, and many other overrated Thai street foods. This is why Thailand is always full of tourist. 

I learn a lot, and I experience a lot. The day I spent with my colleagues made me understood each one of them closer and this thing is something I like about going overseas with friends. Now we've been bundled up with so many assignments to do that I always want to go back to Pattaya so bad to have some drink and dance at the Walking Street. All the boring routines always send me back to shop everything I like in Platinum Mall. And every boring people I met makes me want to go back to Grand Palace and take many more pictures. Sad to tell that those are just a dream. 

Thank you Thailand for giving me such a memorable stay. I would definitely love to come back!

So, here is some pictures I got during the trip over Bangkok and Pattaya. It wasn't much since I enjoy every moment I spent and forgot to take pictures of it.