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carpe diem

when life gives you lemon, suck it anyway.


Few days ago, one of my senior in junior highschool passed away after battling for cancer since probably last year (if I'm not mistaken). I wasn't really close to her, never even talk to her face to face, but I knew her condition, from her mother who is also my family doctor, when did she first figure out about it and how she managed to continue her life with treatments. Even it may looks a little inappropriate to retell her stories, her spirit and her passion really inspires me in facing any kinds of problem that could even take your life forever.
Moment of her death made me reflect about myself personally. As a Christian, I believe on the life after death which determined by your acts in life. Then, what goods I have done for 20 years living my life? Am I good enough to be the one placed in heaven? Am I ready to face the death? What will I do if such condition happens to me?
I salute her for being so brave and tranquility to face the death despite the fears she felt. I learn to respect my life more and do more good to people because we will never know when will we die. By doing so, I believe that on the day, I will die peacefully, as a blessing for other people, and become one of those beautiful flowers which picked first. 
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Tidak ada kebenaran yang hakiki. Apa yang menurut saya benar, belum tentu menurut orang lain benar. Semua dinilai secara subjektif, berdasarkan seberapa luas pengetahuan seseorang akan sesuatu. Subjektivitas, sebuah pandangan yang tidak bisa dilepaskan dari seorang individu yang berpikir. Subjektivitas ada sebagai hasil dari kumpulan proses-proses berpikir dan kejadian-kejadian yang dialami oleh seseorang. Proses itu berbaur menjadi satu dan menjadi sebuah pola pikir dalam diri seorang individu. Bagaimana caranya memandang sesuatu, bagaimana caranya menerima sesuatu, semua tergantung pada pola pikir yang mereka gunakan sebagai kacamata mereka.
Subjektivitas, pola pikir, atau apalah itu yang intinya adalah cara seseorang menilai sesuatu, memberi pengaruh besar bagaimana seseorang bertumbuh dan membangun relasi dengan orang lain dalam kehidupan ini. Secara normatif, individu harus mampu bertoleransi dengan individu-individu lain yang memiliki beragam latar belakang. Namun, perlu digarisbawahi bahwa bertoleransi bukan berarti 100% menerima. Menurut saya, bertoleransi lebih kepada membiarkan orang lain menjalankan apa yang dia percayai, selama itu bisa ia pertanggungjawabkan dan tidak mengganggu kepentingan umum.
Tulisan diatas murni berdasarkan asumsi saya, tanpa maksud untuk menyinggung sesuatu apalagi seseorang. Namun, tampaknya asumsi yang sebenarnya telah saya tulis sejak beberapa hari (bahkan bulan, saya tidak ingat) yang lalu ini sedang menjadi sebuah realita saat ini. Sekali lagi, saya menulis ini tidak didasarkan pada tujuan untuk menjatuhkan suatu kelompok tertentu. Ini semua murni curahan hati saya yang terlalu geram dan terlalu malas berkelana membelah samudera media sosial yang sudah terlalu overrated dan banyak dihuni oleh kaum-kaum yang rasanya tidak pernah mendengar atau bahkan mengerti apa itu literasi media. Semua orang berlomba memenangkan pertarungan opini, yang sedihnya seringkali didasarkan pada sesuatu yang hanya mereka baca sekali. Ini yang salah.
Responsif. Hal ini adalah salah satu guilty pleasure yang sulit untuk saya kontrol selama hidup saya. Saya bisa menghitung berapa kali saya mendapat masalah dengan orang lain ketika saya bertindak responsif di sosial media. Rasa ketidakpedulian dan kejenuhan dengan banyak hal yang justru membawa saya pada situasi di mana saya lebih less-responsive dan memilih untuk memikirkannya dalam otak dan jadi pikiran saya sendiri. Menurut saya ini baik, setidaknya saya tidak secara langsung membiarkan opini saya kabur secara liar lewat mulut saya, tapi saya beri dia waktu untuk bermain-main dalam otak saya, berganti pakaian menjadi dirinya yang lebih baik, baru keluar melalui mulut saya. Satu dua kali hal itu saya lewatkan. Tapi namanya manusia (alasan klise) kan tidak luput dari kesalahan, betul?
Kembali ke masalah tidak ada kebenaran yang hakiki dan subjektivitas. Di dunia yang bebas dan tanpa batas, alangkah baiknya jika kita kembali menilai diri kita dan berlaku 'sopan' seperti seorang diplomat ketika kita tidak setuju dengan argumen orang lain. Jangan menjadi orang yang responsif, terlebih dalam media sosial yang bisa dengan bebas dibaca orang lain dan tidak ada jaminan bahwa argumen yang kita buat bisa kita hapus seenaknya. Jangan merasa diri atau kelompok paling benar, karena jika semua orang benar maka tidak akan ada satu orang pun yang tinggal dalam penjara. Segala sesuatu hanya tentang sudut pandang, kacamata yang anda gunakan untuk melihat, serta seberapa banyak hal yang anda ketahui (paling tidak, jika memahami masih terlalu sukar untuk dilakukan). Banyak-banyak lah memaksimalkan fungsi mata dan telinga, kritislah terhadap sesuatu dan jangan biarkan 'kegatelan' tangan dan mulut untuk bertindak responsif menguasai diri anda.
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I love you
Through the time that we spent together
Through the sweet words you said to me
Through the affection you showed
Through the apologies for your mistakes
Through the way you held my hand
Through the way you looked into my eyes
Through the choices then you chose me
Through the beers we drank together
Through the dance we had
Through the moment we cherised
I love it just like that
No complicated reason. Just that. 
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Been overseas again only with my friends is a pleasure. I was lucky that last month I was able to experience another trip overseas my fellow colleagues to Thailand for 6 days and 5 nights. This was my 4th experience to go overseas without my parents and it always been awesome! The trip was organized as a compulsory trip before we can do internship next year, regarding to our faculty wisdom, since I am an International Relations student.
Since the country was new for me, I felt super excited for what was coming to me. I prepared everything and started the journey on May 7th, 2016 and returned home on May 13th, 2016. I went there with 72 other people in our group. Yeah, I know it was a huge group and to be honest I feel a little bit annoyed to some people that make our trip felt very slow related to the punctuality. Despite everything bad, I enjoyed every single thing stayed in Bangkok and Pattaya and personally want to go there one more time (or many more time).
Overall, the trip was just like a common trip, added with some obligatory visit to Chulalongkorn University, Indonesian Embassy, and United Nation Development Program. Those three places were the places we did some discussion and to add our knowledge about some issues related to Thailand itself. Our stay in Bangkok and Pattaya was also a knowledge too. I understood the culture of Thai people which gave their full respect to King Rama IX as their nation leader. It was shown all over the city with a huge picture of him sitting in his legacy. I also learn how Thai people respect Buddha, even they were not even a Buddhist. These situation, I guess, won't ever be happened in Indonesia as our culture and our believes is just for a private purpose, not even a national identity. But then, I'm questioning this situation as people's own willingness or just a form of suppression from the government? I don't know, please notice me if you know something. I also learn how the government settle the tourism sector perfectly so they can gain so much profit from it and make it as the number one income for the country. Indonesia government somehow should learn from them to make Indonesia, which have so much more beautiful tourism destination, can gain more profit from tourism sector. 
Having a trip to Thailand is one of a good idea, especially for Indonesian, since the food and the weather is similar to what we have back at home. The living cost in Thailand is also quite cheap. I don't experience much about the public transportation but I think those are quite helpful. I also don't know about the ticket price of the tourism places, but there are some places which is free but still good enough as your picture background. There are so many food stalls in the tourism spot. They usually sell pad thai, pork, desserts, and many other overrated Thai street foods. This is why Thailand is always full of tourist. 
I learn a lot, and I experience a lot. The day I spent with my colleagues made me understood each one of them closer and this thing is something I like about going overseas with friends. Now we've been bundled up with so many assignments to do that I always want to go back to Pattaya so bad to have some drink and dance at the Walking Street. All the boring routines always send me back to shop everything I like in Platinum Mall. And every boring people I met makes me want to go back to Grand Palace and take many more pictures. Sad to tell that those are just a dream. 
Thank you Thailand for giving me such a memorable stay. I would definitely love to come back!

So, here is some pictures I got during the trip over Bangkok and Pattaya. It wasn't much since I enjoy every moment I spent and forgot to take pictures of it.

Chatuchak Weekend Market
This is the biggest market in South East Asia (regarding to what my tour guide said) that sell various kinds of things such as Thai traditional souvenirs, pets, furniture, and many others. This market is available only during the weekend.

The overrated Mango Sticky Rice. Bought it at JJ Mall, Chatuchak for 80 Baht.

My never ending love goes to these two, Samurai Pork Burger and usual french fries which tastes unusual. Idk how Thai's McD tastes different from the one in Indonesia but I will definitely comeback just for these two babies. Bought it as a set for 150 Baht.

One of Bangkok's tourist attraction

The scenery of Chao Praya river along the Asiatique.

Got our money drained out of this mall. Platinum Mall, heaven of online shop things. They sell various types of wardrobes for women and men (mostly women, of course) and the price starts from 100 Baht and above.

Done a discussion with students from Faculty of Social and Political Science, Chulalongkorn University.

An obligatory group pic.

Bangkok's traffic. Looks familiar.

I'm going back home! With the Education Attache of Indonesia and the Principal of Sekolah Indonesia Bangkok in Indonesia Embassy office.

The crowd of Grand Palace. People amazingly come to this place even the sun bright so hard.

Squad!

The Honorable King Rama IX

Wat Pho

Buddha Statue

The famous Reclining Buddha Statue

Another picture of Wat Pho

Renovated Wat Arun from across the Chao Praya river

The bhikkus

Bangkok even have a javanese mosque. This is located in Kampung Jawa, a neighbourhood that used to be the place for Surabayan people to live.

Another picture of this overrated dessert that I love. Got this one at MBK for 60 Baht.

Food stalls! Heaven!

Hmmm.. Thinking of working here later..

Pattaya Beach

My travel mate, room mate, seat mate, shopping mate, what else? Interesting that I found so many things in common about us

Tanned don't mind

Night life in Pattaya

Pattaya Walking Street. Only for 18+

We (I) had so much fun!

The beauty inside Nong Nooch Garden


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Some people say that being honest to yourself is somehow harder than being honest to other people. I personally agree with that sentence, currently. I recently feel my whole life is just a lie, that made by myself. There was always a time when some bad things happened and I know that I supposed to make myself stop doing that, but I kept doing that, and that was the moment I was being dishonest to myself.
For me, being honest to yourself is not just about understanding what you want to do and do it to please yourself.  Being honest to yourself also means that you have to know and accept your weakness, while you try many things to fight with the weakness, not only let it befriended with you for your whole life. Those things are very hard to do, and I'm still struggling with that. But then, I know that those things are the key to be your true self, the genuine one, while being genuine is important for people to accept who you are.
There is an experience of me being tired of everybody. All words that came from everyone pissed me off. At the same time, I also felt tired of every routines and responsibilities I was dealing with. The combination of those things made me want to skip everything irresponsibly. Since then, I was being so ignorant and cold. I skipped everything and stopped meeting everyone, I always tried to find an alternative to run away as long as I can. At that point, I tried to find what's wrong and I assumed that it was about people surround me who were not cooperative with me. I stopped believing anyone of them and started to think that my life is suck because of them. That moment happened for several months and I feel okay with that.
Until the time when I realise that my thoughts are totally wrong, which is tonight. I feel super tired of being messed up and committed to put things back together. I start to get things done one by one, try to keep in touch with some people, and try to make my life be more settle than before. It makes me aware of what happened for the past few months. It was not them, but me, who was not being honest to my own self. I gained so much rejection for my existence that I started losing my friends, happiness, grades, self confidence, and many other things. It was me who demand too much, but not gave so much as it should be. It was me who thought that everything can be perfectly done if I do it myself without giving other people opportunity to try.
My point is, before you start judging other people screw your life, go watch yourself first, are you good enough. Treat people like how do you want to be treated, because it is somehow true that people usually treat you the way how you treat them.


I gave up, need to stick back my life and be better. It's about trying and learning everyday, and I wish I can be a better person. Stop rejecting, start accepting.
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"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hopes for." - Epicurus

Many unexpected things came to me when I think that this must be a worst ending for 2014, and even 2015, but it's not. I thought that I will be ungrateful for the rest of the year, but thank God it doesn't happen to me right now. Something big just hit me and make me blushing everytime I remember it. Recently, I become more grateful for what I have now, and I can even sleep tightly last night. God gives the perfect answer at the right time, I mean it.
Been a whole three semester I kept worrying about my future because I thought that what I got is not what I really want before, and it means that I can't guarantee my bright future. I went through the whole semester heavy-hearted, with less expectation of the final result. How to leave, how to escape from those shitty things are the only thing exsist in my mind for a half year. Many things make my disappointment bigger than before. Many things make me believe that I doesn't belong here. Many things make me feel like it doesn't suit me in any ways. Unexcited about anything is my thing recently.
Despite all of my disappointments I keep inside my heart, my other side said that I'm not supposed to have another disappointment. So I unconsciously keep encouraging myself that there are many ways available to go to your destination. It is always fine to fail at some points but you can gain more at the others. I work hard and harder everytime, doing everthing to the maximum level, and even chasing everything I've been missing before. It was hard, for sure. But in fact, I keep doing it. I keep doing everything that I think doesn't suit me. I force myself to be drowned and pretend that I love what I'm learning now, politics.








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Life is like a road, the limit is your destination
It sometimes wide, but sometimes narrow
You have to choose to turn left or right or just keep walking
You don't always have to be right, because sometimes it is better to go left
It sometimes bumpy, or hollow
It makes your vehicle degradating its function
Traffic might happens, it makes your journey problematic
You might be lost when your decision is not right
It might make you take a very long time to find the right place
Sometimes you can drag, but the other times you can't
You might have to stop at the rest area for a while
but then you have to continue your journey
It might make you feel tired, fed up, and fooled around
But remember that one thing that you have to do is
track the road, find your final destination, and enjoy
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About Me

Andiline Thea Pranasari.
Central Java, Indonesia.

Ambitious procrastinator who always try to gain better everyday. She has plenty random deep-thoughts, that's why she writes. Sometimes.

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