Some people say that being honest to yourself is somehow harder than being honest to other people. I personally agree with that sentence, currently. I recently feel my whole life is just a lie, that made by myself. There was always a time when some bad things happened and I know that I supposed to make myself stop doing that, but I kept doing that, and that was the moment I was being dishonest to myself.
For me, being honest to yourself is not just about understanding what you want to do and do it to please yourself.  Being honest to yourself also means that you have to know and accept your weakness, while you try many things to fight with the weakness, not only let it befriended with you for your whole life. Those things are very hard to do, and I'm still struggling with that. But then, I know that those things are the key to be your true self, the genuine one, while being genuine is important for people to accept who you are.
There is an experience of me being tired of everybody. All words that came from everyone pissed me off. At the same time, I also felt tired of every routines and responsibilities I was dealing with. The combination of those things made me want to skip everything irresponsibly. Since then, I was being so ignorant and cold. I skipped everything and stopped meeting everyone, I always tried to find an alternative to run away as long as I can. At that point, I tried to find what's wrong and I assumed that it was about people surround me who were not cooperative with me. I stopped believing anyone of them and started to think that my life is suck because of them. That moment happened for several months and I feel okay with that.
Until the time when I realise that my thoughts are totally wrong, which is tonight. I feel super tired of being messed up and committed to put things back together. I start to get things done one by one, try to keep in touch with some people, and try to make my life be more settle than before. It makes me aware of what happened for the past few months. It was not them, but me, who was not being honest to my own self. I gained so much rejection for my existence that I started losing my friends, happiness, grades, self confidence, and many other things. It was me who demand too much, but not gave so much as it should be. It was me who thought that everything can be perfectly done if I do it myself without giving other people opportunity to try.
My point is, before you start judging other people screw your life, go watch yourself first, are you good enough. Treat people like how do you want to be treated, because it is somehow true that people usually treat you the way how you treat them.


I gave up, need to stick back my life and be better. It's about trying and learning everyday, and I wish I can be a better person. Stop rejecting, start accepting.